The First Time

Believe me when I say nostalgia is my enemy. It should be illegal.

Doesn’t it take you back to the old life? The stress-free life? Your old neighborhood? A TV character you loved but is dead now? The old friends you still love but don’t love you back? The people that made promises that they’d never forget you, but don’t even remember your name anymore?

The only bruises you got were from bicycles and roller skates. Pains that represent excitement. How ironic was life?

The only thing we were scared of was our parents leaving us behind if they were going to the mall. Or clowns. Or scary movies.

We cried over things we could see and feel. We had reasons for crying. The only love we knew was so pure and certain and real. Every experience was new and genuine. It welcomed you, warmly into new world.

Our first times. The first time you walked. The first time you went to school. The first time you had a pimple. The first time you saw blood on your panties. The first time you rode a bike. Oh I remember mine, I wore a skirt that day and two boys were teaching me.

Over time, our first times changed. They turned to the first time you kissed a girl. The first time you masturbated. The first time you got drunk. The first time you snuck out of the house. The first time you yelled at your mum.

Life threw stones at you and your first times changed once again. The first time you got your heart broken, the first time you were robbed, the first time you had an accident, the first time you were abused.

There is no point of this piece. But slowly, we realize that we either look back and wish we could go to the past and stay there. That days kept going, but none adding up.

But life sucks and we can’t have things our way, but we can control what happens around us. We can choose the best people as friends or choose to stay alone. We can choose to stay happy and confident or dwell in self-hate.

So from today, make a choice to have a reason for the first times you can control. Your choice and no one else’s. And the first times you can’t control, look at them as a part of a great process that leads to success. Tell yourself you would say stories about these situations and say “I remember when I used to”, “I remember when I was”. See them as stepping stones, and embrace them.